The Umpteenth Journal Attempt (Version III)

2005’s almost over, and on the 30th I’ll either have no Internet access or will be too busy to write, so I might as well post now. Been in a contemplative mood of late, so let’s contemplate away as I look back on the year.

So how was 2005 for me? Pretty darn good, actually. Got a job that I might venture to say is the only thing I’d be competent at right now, and for the most part it’s been very enjoyable - anyone who says their job is 100% pleasant is a big fat liar. As part of this job, I’ve been travelling quite a bit. Previously I hadn’t been on a plane since early ‘99, and the farthest I’d been out of town was the occasional trip to Bandung, and even that wouldn’t necessarily be once a year; since July of this year, I’ve had three assignments that necessitated plane trips, soon to be four in a few days. Even made the roundabout Jakarta-Bandung journey four times in the space of three days. All pretty amazing, especially considering I don’t really like to travel. Well, when the opportunity drops in your lap, you can’t really say no, can you? But then again, all of my travelling has been work-related, which has its ups and downs, naturally. One of these days I’ll take a proper vacation.

I can also say that this job has been very beneficial to me on a personal level. Meeting and befriending lots of cool people whose work I admire has made me gradually crawling out of my shell. It has also made me a bit of a sneaky bastard, especially when it comes to going to gigs (almost always for free) and getting backstage. My setlist collection has expanded so fast, it’s ridiculous.

So what does 2006 hold for me? I expect more travelling, more gigs, more setlists, more friends. I expect myself to get much better at what I do, while also expanding into other avenues, hopefully lucrative ones. If I can get off my arse, that is. Getting off one’s arse is absolutely essential if one wants to get anywhere, both figuratively and literally. And I also expect I’ll be getting off my arse to resolve the unresolved, whatever shape and form. That includes women, too.

You know, I came into 2005 without not really expecting anything, other than a steady job that I wouldn’t necessarily enjoy. I ended up getting more than I bargained for, so the logical thing to do here would be…have expectations in the hope that things will turn out at least as I want, being even better would be a blessing…and hope that it doesn’t all backfire horribly. Fingers crossed.

After I got home last night, it seems someone - probably Dad or Halief - had dug out my old photo albums from senior year in high school and stacked them neatly on my desk. Ah, memories: from just mucking about in class to the field trip to Bandung to the spray-can frenzy of graduation and prom night. Rather weird seeing myself seven years and about 20 kilograms ago, back when my stomach and just about everything else was still flat.

I tend to cringe whenever I see old pictures of myself. High school was just another in a seemingly never-ending series of awkward phases. Any photogenic cuteness I ever had ceased to exist at five years of age, thus whenever I see old photos I get the urge to go back in time and slap my younger self for looking like a snivelling twit. It’s almost unfathomable I never got beaten up all this time. Occasionally scared shitless yes, but never had the shit kicked out me. Or maybe I’m subconsciously just blocking out all the trauma. I bet that many years from now, I’ll be sorting through old pics and telling my kids, "When you’re 26, I hope you don’t look like this dumbass."

Anyway, it was strange seeing everyone back then, with the knowledge of where we all are now. Lately it’s like every other week there’s someone from high school who’s marching down Matrimony Lane, and I get constantly reminded of my own predicament. Thanks a lot, fellas, it’s not as thinking about this stuff doesn’t go on in my head for a sizeable chunk of my conscious day. I keep wondering whether I’ll be able to fulfill the kind of future that everyone else is taking the plunge into. Just gotta use that fear to drive me on to whatever success I have in mind, I guess. I might even make that scrawny kid in those photographs proud.