When you think about Japan, it’s likely that you think about this wacky and wonderful land, where the hyperactive people speak some indecipherable language you’ve only heard spoken by huge-eyed cartoon characters and live lives of incredible technological advancement. Having had to chance to go to there last month, I can safely say that this is more or less the case. I felt like some primitive goon from a backwards land (which I am), and the following object seems to sum up Japan:
This is a Japanese toilet, located in my hotel room. I am uncertain as to whether this is the common design for Japanese toilets - in fact, this is the only one I used during my three days and two nights in Tokyo, because I mostly stuck to the urinals.
As you can see, at a glance it seems like an ordinary toilet that you would find in any other part of the world, especially parts of the world that use toilets like this instead of those holes in the ground that you squat your butt over and release your bowel contents. And like in other parts of the world, an optional newspaper can provide a welcome
distraction and make your excretion-expelling experience more pleasant and relaxing.
But if you look more closely, you might notice something odd about this particular toilet, something that makes it stand out compared to its non-Japanese porcelain brethren: buttons! And they’re not for flushing! Let’s take a closer look at what they’re for…
Beforehand, let me just say that I don’t speak Japanese. In fact, before I went to Japan, the only Japanese I knew was "Konichiwa" and "Arigato," and when I left Japan, my Japanese vocabulary did not increase at all. But luckily, the manufacturers of this toilet were thoughtful enough to thrown in English words, numbers and pictures in case you don’t speak English either.
As you can see above, the main part (or "Number 1") is the big knob in the middle of the panel, with the settings "Spray" and "Bidet" on either side. Above the "Spray" setting is a picture of a blue arse getting sprayed by water, while above "Bidet" is an illustration of a woman (or perhaps a pony-tailed bloke) getting her (or his) hind-quarters watered. The knob serves to adjust the water flow as you desire. To the right of the knob is a button marked "Wash" (or "Number 2"), or the main show, so to speak. The whole point of this panel. When you feel your downstairs area has been sufficiently cleansed, press the "Stop" button (helpfully colored in orange) on the far right. The wonders of technology, eh? Unfortunately there was no "Dryer" function, which would have been pretty cool - or hot, with all that warm air blowing up your butt. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re working on it.
Now, it may seem easy to operate. And it is - once you figure it out. But like I said earlier, I’m a primitive goon, and I could not get the thing to work at first. After emptying out my bladder, I tried pressing the button and turning the knob, but nothing happened. I tried looking at the instructions on the back of the toilet cover, but they didn’t help.
lThe instructions were useful in letting me know how not to destroy the toilet, but did not help in enlightening me in the ways of cleaning the chassis. So I kept pressing the button and turning the knob, but to no avail. But then I put the toilet seat down, pressed again…nothing. While contemplating, I accidentally pushed down on the toilet seat…and what do you know, a small pipe emerged facing upwards (naturally) and out streamed a jet of water. Unfortunately, I was not in the position of someone about to use that pipe, and I had already put my trousers back in their proper position after taking a whiz. And so my trousers ended up getting sprayed in the crotch area, making it look like I had just peed myself.
So that was Japan for me, summed up in a nutshell - or should I say, summed up in a fancy toilet. Actually, my office toilet has one of those arse-cleaning spray things, and all you have to do is turn a tap. Or you could use the spray gun and aim blindly. Both of these options are much more simpler, if you’re willing to use a little more energy. But I suppose Japan wouldn’t be where they are now if they settled for keeping things simple - toilets included.
lThe instructions were useful in letting me know how not to destroy the toilet, but did not help in enlightening me in the ways of cleaning the chassis. So I kept pressing the button and turning the knob, but to no avail. But then I put the toilet seat down, pressed again…nothing. While contemplating, I accidentally pushed down on the toilet seat…and what do you know, a small pipe emerged facing upwards (naturally) and out streamed a jet of water. Unfortunately, I was not in the position of someone about to use that pipe, and I had already put my trousers back in their proper position after taking a whiz. And so my trousers ended up getting sprayed in the crotch area, making it look like I had just peed myself.