The Umpteenth Journal Attempt (Version III)

You probably have one of those friends whom you used to be reasonably close to, but as time went by you drifted apart and rarely saw and spoke to each other, if at all. And you probably have a mutual friend who has kept in touch with both parties, so when you meet that mutual friend, you ask how your old AWOL friend is doing.

The above is a normal occurrence in life, and since I still consider myself somewhat normal - though others may beg to differ - I have experienced something of the sort. I accept that a lot of things change as you enter different phases of your life, but if you’re the type of person who considers friendships worth maintaining in spite of growing distance, then you try to keep in touch with your friends, even if it’s only via text message or e-mail.

I’m one of those people. I do my best to remember birthdays or take advantage of those nifty birthday reminders you find online. Text messaging has become the medium of choice, be it to congratulate them on getting older or to wish them a happy Idul Fitri, or whatever it is. It’s a miniscule gesture, but I think it’s better than nothing. By that token, I don’t really expect them to respond, but it’s nice if they do.

Having said that, there’s this one person whom I’ve sent text messages for their birthday and Idul Fitri, and got no response each time. I recall trying to call them when arranging to get the old gang together, but they never picked up or called me back. Though I wonder if something’s wrong, I usually don’t try to push it and find out what’s up directly from the source. If they’ve got something to say, then they’ll say it.

But then you bump into someone whom you know has recently been in contact with them, and you get curious as to what’s up. From our mutual friend, I’ve learned that my old friend, who used to be the laid-back, happy-go-lucky type is now an independent, focused careerist who has little-to-no time for trivial pursuits such as social interaction. Well, maybe it’s not that extreme; obviously they still have some friends, but it seems the rest can all take a hike, present company included.

Which is rather depressing, I have to admit. And I can’t really get my head around deliberately cutting out most of the people from your past. As far as I know, I don’t do that, unless I’ve had a reason to chuck someone out of my life - and even then they somehow find their way back in. I’m just a sentimental sucker, I guess, unlike my hardened old friend out there somewhere. But hey, it’s their life to live, and if that’s the way they want to live it, then more power to them. If they get the urge to call, I’ll pick up.

All of this has made me think about how my life has turned out over the last two years or so in terms of friendships and relationships. And it occurs to me that I’m not that far off from my old friend there. Maybe not in terms of cutting people out of my life, but definitely when it comes to forming emotional attachments to people, especially of the opposite sex. I’ve become a lot more cynical in the relationship department - most likely a by-product of having gone through the emotional wringer too many times to count. I’m erecting all sorts of metaphorical walls and defence mechanisms so I can easily kill any feelings for the wrong people to develop feelings for. Everyone disappoints you sooner or later, so I guess it’s just a matter of finding someone who disappoints you the least, and everyone else can sod off. Maybe my old friend came to the same conclusion.